Why Male Vulnerability Feels Like a Trap

Why Male Vulnerability Feels Like a Trap

When we think about vulnerability, we often think of it as an invitation to deeper connection. But for many men, vulnerability doesn’t feel like an invitation—it feels like a setup. A trap. Something that sounds good in theory but often backfires in practice.

In a recent interview for the Coupled With podcast, I sat down with fellow EFT therapist Edan Zebooloon to explore this very topic. Edan brings over 15 years of experience to his clinical work—but more than that, he brings lived experience. His relationship to vulnerability as a man is personal, hard-earned, and deeply insightful.

This blog post is drawn from that conversation.

Listen or Read Below.

Resigning from the Role of “Real Man”

Edan began by sharing how his journey into vulnerability wasn’t a triumphant decision—it was a surrender.

Growing up, he never quite fit the mold of the “real man.” He was emotionally sensitive, deeply expressive, and often teased by other boys and even his own family. He tried to change, to harden, to perform masculinity the way others seemed to. But no matter how hard he tried, it didn’t work.

Eventually, that pressure led him to the brink of suicide. The pain of trying to be someone he wasn’t became unbearable. So he stopped trying.

He resigned himself to the idea that he would never be a “real man”—and in that resignation, something shifted. He found freedom. When he stopped performing, he started living. He started sharing honestly, even rawly, with other men in a group setting. And to his surprise, those “real men”—the ones who looked the part—thanked him for it. His vulnerability gave them permission to feel.

Why Men Don’t “Struggle” With Vulnerability—They Don’t Even See It

One of the most poignant points Edan made was this: many men don’t resist vulnerability because they’re afraid of it. They resist it because they don’t even recognize it as an option. It’s not on their radar. Emotional numbness, stoicism, and self-containment have been normalized from childhood.

When men are finally asked to open up—especially in a romantic relationship—it’s like asking someone to suddenly speak a language they were never taught. And then criticizing them for not being fluent.

The Double Bind in Relationships

It’s a dynamic I see often in couples therapy, and Edan sees it too: the female partner is often the emotional pursuer, longing for her partner to open up. But when he finally does, it can activate discomfort, fear, or even judgment.

Edan recalled working with a couple in which the woman had begged her partner for emotional connection. When he finally showed up with tears and tenderness, her body recoiled. His sensitivity reminded her of the very vulnerability she’d been taught to fear. That moment revealed an emotional paradox: we want closeness, but only in forms that don’t scare us.

This is the trap men feel. They’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Vulnerability is requested—and then rejected.

Anger as Armor

When men do feel threatened—especially in emotional territory they were never taught to navigate—anger often steps in.

Edan explained that anger in these moments isn’t always about aggression. It’s about protection. It’s the nervous system’s way of saying: this is not safe. And while it may look threatening to a partner, the anger is usually hiding something much more tender underneath—fear of rejection, fear of being seen, fear of inadequacy.

But of course, when anger surfaces in relationships, it triggers danger signals for the receiving partner too. That’s why understanding the emotional layers underneath anger is critical. Without that understanding, both partners end up protecting instead of connecting.

The Patriarchy Hurts Everyone

We often talk about patriarchy in terms of how it harms women—and it absolutely does. But Edan was clear: patriarchy also wounds men by cutting them off from their emotional selves. And in many relationships, those unhealed wounds are what create emotional gridlock.

You can’t give what you’ve never received. So when a woman asks for deep emotional attunement from her male partner, she may be unknowingly asking for something he never got to experience himself. And unless that gets acknowledged—not just in therapy, but in the relationship itself—both partners may feel unseen and frustrated.

As Edan put it, “None of us are free unless all of us are free.”

The Parent-Child Dynamic That Sabotages Intimacy

Another dynamic that shows up in couples—especially when men begin to open up—is what Edan calls the parent-child trap.

When one partner starts to show vulnerability and the other responds with overwhelm or detachment, it can mimic a dynamic where one person becomes the emotional caregiver, while the other becomes the wounded child. This imbalance often kills sexual attraction and leads to resentment.

True intimacy, Edan emphasized, happens in co-regulation—not caretaking. We’re meant to meet each other in our vulnerability, not parent one another through it.

So What Can We Do?

I asked Edan what advice he had for couples navigating these patterns. Here’s what he offered:

For Men:

• Don’t try to do it alone. Men need to see other men modeling vulnerability. Whether that’s in therapy, men’s groups, or friendships, it’s essential to witness other men cracking open.

• Allow yourself to feel clumsy. Vulnerability won’t feel natural at first—it will feel foreign, scary, even pointless. Keep showing up.

For Women (and Partners):

• Assume there’s a tender emotion under the surface. When your partner shuts down or gets defensive, get curious. What hurt might be hiding under that reaction?

• Pursue gently. If you chase hard, they’ll retreat further. Edan used the “fox and the hound” metaphor: when the hound barks and chases, the fox hides. But if the hound sits calmly in the meadow, the fox may come closer out of curiosity and safety.

• Offer grace. It might take time. If your partner is emotionally stunted, it’s not because they don’t care—it’s because no one ever taught them how to care out loud.

A Simple (and Powerful) Exercise

One of Edan’s favorite assignments for couples? Find a childhood photo of yourself—one where your vulnerability is visible. Put it somewhere you’ll see it often. Let it remind you of the tenderness that still lives inside you, even if it’s buried under years of armor.

When you’re in conflict with your partner, picture their younger self too. Remember that both of you are often reacting from a wounded place, not a malicious one.

Final Thoughts

This conversation reminded me that no one is broken for having emotions—or for struggling to express them. As Edan said, many men want to show up emotionally, but without safety, modeling, or permission, it can feel impossible.

So whether you're a man trying to crack your own armor, a partner wanting to support someone more gently, or a therapist helping couples untangle years of emotional conditioning—this work matters.

Let’s build relationships that make room for all of who we are. Tenderness and strength included.

👤 About Edan Zebooloon

Edan Zebooloon is a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist in practice for over fifteen years. He brings vulnerable authenticity and a wide emotional range to his work, helping clients cut to their core truths. He’s passionate about ensuring all people are seen, validated, and connected—within themselves and in their relationships.

He’s especially devoted to Gender Equity & Reconciliation work, supporting mutual understanding and healing between men and women.

To connect with Edan for therapy, men’s groups, or referrals, visit: www.greaterseattlecounseling.com