You’re Not Asking for Too Much: Practicing Safety Instead of Suppression
You’re Not Asking for Too Much: Practicing Safety Instead of Suppression
ou’ve probably told yourself,“I should be fine.”
That being easy to love means needing less.
That asking for reassurance, attention, or tenderness somehow makes you “too much.”
But every time you shrink your needs to fit someone else’s comfort, your body feels it. And over time, that pressure turns into anxiety, resentment, or numbness.
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The Cost of Being “Fine”
For many of us, “I’m fine” became a survival strategy.
It helped us stay safe in homes, friendships, or relationships where honesty wasn’t always met with care.
You learned that speaking up led to conflict—or worse, disconnection. So you traded truth for peace. You stopped asking for what you needed and started managing everyone else’s emotions instead.
But your nervous system doesn’t forget. It holds the tension of every unspoken truth and every swallowed feeling. That’s why you can be calm on the outside but still feel on edge. Your body knows you’ve abandoned yourself, even when your words don’t.
What This Is Really About
This isn’t about being “needy.” It’s about being human.
Emotional needs aren’t evidence of weakness—they’re your body’s way of signaling what safety feels like.
When you say “I’m fine” but you’re not, you send your nervous system mixed messages. You’re telling it to shut down what it’s wired to do: seek connection and repair.
So the next time you feel guilty for wanting more, remind yourself—your nervous system doesn’t need you to be low maintenance. It needs you to be honest.
The Pattern I See All the Time
My clients tell me things like,
“I don’t want to start a fight.”
“They already have so much going on—I can’t add more.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
But over time, these small self-abandonments stack up. The relationship becomes polite but hollow. The partner who keeps swallowing their needs starts to feel invisible. And the partner on the other side starts to believe everything’s fine—until it isn’t.
One couple I worked with fell into this exact trap. The partner who stayed quiet thought they were protecting the relationship. They didn’t realize their silence was creating a slow kind of distance. By the time they finally spoke up, the pain had built so high that it came out as anger, not need.
That explosion didn’t come from nowhere—it came from years of holding everything in.
The Loop: Suppression → Shame → Disconnection
Here’s how the cycle tends to go:
You suppress what you feel.
Then you feel shame for evenhavingthose feelings.
So you withdraw, trying to be easier.
But the more you minimize yourself, the more disconnected your relationship becomes—and the more your body aches for the closeness you keep pretending you don’t need.
And when the disconnection finally becomes unbearable, you either explode or collapse.
That’s not weakness. That’s your nervous system screaming,I can’t hold this anymore.
The Shift: Safety Instead of Suppression
The goal isn’t to stop needing—it’s to learn how to stay with your needs long enough to name them safely.
That starts with one small reframe:
You’re not being “too much.” You’re beingreal.
Your needs don’t ruin relationships—hiding them does.
When you practice naming what’s true (“I’m overwhelmed,” “I need a moment,” “I feel far from you right now”), you teach your body that honesty doesn’t always lead to rejection. That truth can coexist with connection.
That’s what nervous system repair actually looks like—not perfection, but presence.
Micro-Practices to Try
If “I’m fine” rolls off your tongue too easily, start here:
Pause before responding.
When someone asks how you are, take one breath. Then answer 5% truer than usual.Name what’s underneath.
Instead of “I’m fine,” try:“I’m holding a lot today.”
“I don’t know what I feel yet.”
“I’m okay, but I’m tired.”
Ask for micro-safety.
You don’t need to request big changes—just connection.
“Can we sit for a second?” or “Can you check in with me later?”Notice your body’s relief.
The moment you stop pretending, even a little, your breath deepens. That’s your body saying,thank you for telling the truth.
A Gentle Reminder
You don’t have to perform calm to stay loved.
You don’t have to earn safety by disappearing.
You’re not asking for too much.
You’re asking from a nervous system that’s still bracing for impact.
And the only way to calm it is to let yourself exist fully—messy, honest, and human.
